Saturday, January 31, 2004

allright.... lets get something straight... i am NOT building an ark.... there have been rumors... i HAVE been collecting wood and animals... but i am not building an ark... alot of people are runnin their mouths .... saying "hes chopping down all the trees" and " man ....one minute your looking at two zebras , you turn your head and they're gone!" and "what do you mean there are no nails left at the hardware store?" .... alot of these so called "cultural preservationists" don't care about the trees or the zebras ...the nails.... they are just mad cuz they know the floods are coming ... and THEY wished they had chopped down all the trees first .... THEY wish they had lured all the zebras into a van with raisins .... THEY wish they had used a former employers credit card to unload all the nails from the local NAIL&SCREW. THEY are the ones who would be building said ARK... but not me ....that's not what i am doing with the wood and the nails and the animals the compass and the umbrelas and the deck wax and the telescope and the bible and the fishing pole and the bait and the forty days/ forty nights, etc... its all for a home improvement project... i'm not building any stupid ark! and besides .... if i were to build an ark i wouldnt use nails [ i could hurt myself if they ever got rusty] ... and WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO STAY AT SEA FOR SO LONG ONLY TO RESTART HUMANITY ?... that is rediculous... humanity should be saved by someone with better vision [ i wear glasses , you know] ... and even i if did do such a silly thing ... once the floods subsided .... and the ark
was parked , and me and my lady were just relaxing under some new magical fruit tree with all the animals ..... somewhere.... inside MEGA PANTHER [yes there would be two MEGA PANTHERS on this speculative ark].... resides MAN... and believe you/me... he will find his way outside MEGA PANTHER if only to start some REAL TROUBLE ... [ or he will remain inside MEGA PANTHER and learn some tricky way to manipulate MEGA PANTHER into carrying out his human desires... either way, a lose/lose situation] and THAT is reason enough to NOT BUILD AN ARK .... you see .... although "in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king" may be true for some time .... but you can bet that all those blind guys are conspiring to poke that last eye out.
a man walks onto a bus or a train or into his imagination_his wildest. a journey begins. an airport is visible in the distance. the bus or train or his imagination (wildest) drives towards it. there is an abrupt stop. what happens in the moments that ensue is complete silence...then, an authoritative voice announces..."ladies and g...pls be patient as we are experiencing (clears throat) technical...yes, (cough) technical, difficulties..." forty-five minutes of wait....motor running...silence....a yawn...motor running...cough....man with his headphones, a much needed instrument in times such as these, relaxes into seat...waits...from the back of the bus/train/imagination there is a yawn...a sniffle...clearing of throat, etc....
in the distance there are two men walking toward the bus/train/imagination. they walk with confidence. pride. authority, even. arrogance most certainly. these dudes are in uniform. and not only are they in uniform, they have a JOB TO DO. & they're gonna TCB it. aaahhh, testosterone!
the man on the bus/train/imagination thinks quietly to himself, 'huh...those two men are in uniform. and they have a job to do...' then looking more closely, '...those men are cops....two cops....' yes, two uniformed police officers MOUNT the bus/train/imagination. and boy do they mount it. they mount it HARD. AhH yes.
man thinks quietly to himself-for he is a peaceful man. peaceful, unless peaceful just don't cut the humanitarian need. then he is violent-but out of necessity-out of self-preservation or moral or ethical violation. man thinks, 'no need for paranoia...these times are so filled with vacant raging fear and blinded crazed paranoia. and for what?? some stupidshit unfounded fear of the world and furthermore bigoted intolerance to anyone/thing the people that instill this fear deem extinguishable, useless, and as mere obstacles to the things they so desire....i need not succumb...'
two cops after mounting said bus/train/imagination speak briefly to man behind the wheel (the one with the 'authoritative voice)....then make their way to man sitting in seat.
they grunt and snort and ask him, "WHUDS YER NAME." man replies, "marcus garvey."
the cops, "WHUD THE FUCK'DYU SAY?!" man replies [louder], "david marcus garvey."
cops grunt snort squint. "WHUD'S IN YER BAG?" [inside they're thinking, 'snort grunt we're gonna NAIL this FUCKER']...and without a moment for man to protest, two said cops take bag and search it. they search HARD. in pre-emptive validicktion, they sniff and probe, sniff and probe....only to find....what? a book probably...a portable cd player most definitely...and a few cd's...a wallet, maybe, identification...okay...crumpled up soft-pack of [insert product placement here] cigarettes, and a small notebook containing...nothing but...goddamn poetry!
cops snort squint grunt, etc...then walk toward the exit of the bus/train/imagination. they go to 'driver' and say..."he's (snort) okay...he ain't no goddamn stinky shithole islamic jihad motherfuckin bin hussein terrorist (grunt). but if he were...man, we'd nail the motherfuckin sonuvabith like a fuckin bitch in heat...hahaha (snort, chuckle, phlem)..." and with that the two cops exit the bus/train/imagination, farting as they go...
man, who was in seat with headphones, stands in aisle, in SILENT RAGE. other passengers sit idly, complacently, compliantly watching. man behind wheel stands up and with the most tangible trace of humanity in his li'l fearful, empty, and spiteful collapsing heart says, "i would like to extend my deepest apologies" [his li'l black heart coughs and wheezes then scratches his ass]
man called david marcus garvey stands still and enraged on this bus/train/imagination...silence ensues again...the driver man's heart wheezing and collapsing and scratching...
"FUCK YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND DRIVE THE FUCKIN...."
driver man, with tail behind legs and piss running down his sad withered yellow spindly legs sits and drives david marcus garvey along with idle complacent compliant passengers out of the bus/train/imagination into what we may refer to as, THE STATE OF DISUNION.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

to answers a reader

the answer to 1. 1972
2. i broke it when i was trying to fix it.
3. canary yellow
[there must be some kind a way outta here... said the starbucks barista to the kinkos copy specialist]

you're gonna read about it... sure ... you don't think so now. but you will.... i know you are in denial right now and i understand that it's fear that keeps you from seeing the future... i'm not talking about "moving sidewalks" or "vaccuums that are friendly".... i'm talking about the one thing that taps right into your biggest fear of all.... you are such a little baby/ chicken in this arena.... im talking about DESIGNER CHILDREN!
THATS RIGHT >>>> I SAID IT >>>> DESIGNER KIDS.... you heard [read] me right.... believe it , buster... one morning you're gonna wake up for work and take a quick shower, put on that rediculous uniform and jump down those steps, turn left, go to the kitchen, sit down in the sunlight , and start licking your chops in anticipation of a hearty breakfast.... but on this particular morning , instead of having flap jacks bubbling over with maple syrup for breakfast .... you're gonna have a twenty second soundbyte from the television from the other room .... an ad for YOU GUESSED IT .... " YOU CALL THEM PERFECT....
WE CALL THEM " THEM " ... BY CALVIN KLEIN" ... Yeah .... thats when you're truest fear will first come to life.... "now i'm gonna have to work overtime so i can afford the perfect baby ... i guess i'm gonna have to sell my 4-track" ...

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

"i'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again..... but it sure wont be on the NEW JERSEY TRANSIT's RACIAL PROFILING - TATTLE TALE DRIVEN - DRIVER TIPPIN THE POLICE AND HOLDING THE BUS AT THE AIRPORT UNTIL THE POLICE CAME AND SEARCHED KYP MALONE {our dear} [ the driver called the police because he thought kyp was a terrorist] AND FOUND ...NOTHING.... ONLY TO HAVE THE TATTLETALE BUS DRIVER SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES...." RETURNING THE BUS TO NEW YORK 45 MINUTES LATE.....AND THANKS TO NOBODY {sheep} WHO DID NOTHING AND SPOKE NOT A WORD WHEN IT WAS PROVEN BY FREEDOM POLICE THAT OUR SINGER WAS NO DANGER TO ANYONE BUT OUR BAND>>>> IM REALLY GLAD WE HAVE ARRIVED >>>> HARD WORKING PEOPLE BECOMING SUSPICIOUS OF EACHOTHER AND NOT DEFENDING OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS.... FREEDOM'S JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR FRIES.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

thunderstatement@yahoo.com
all men are created, eagle.

in my mind it was an old rebel movie with an "oily wrench" character, a pistol, and a motorcycle... though i 'm sure to the others with me in the checkout , it looked like i was intentionally counting my money slowly .... just to get a rise out of good old humanity... but i wasn't trying to get a rise out of anyone...really! i was just slowed down for effect... all cool and smokey like... and besides , it was nighttime... i thought i might light up a cigarette right there on the corner. i even leaned against a stupid post...i was watching this man and a horse close by, arguing... the man was visibly angry , and when he looked away from the horse, he caught my eye.... "if you dont quit starin at us, i'm gonna punch you in the face! " i started barking at him because i didnt know how else to defend looking... and then he said "i mean it ! " ... so i said
"no you don't ! no... you really dont... thats why you havent yet... " he: "you think i'm fucking with you ?"
then, and all of a sudden.... i figured it out: he needed help. so i proclaimed: "from this day forward ... when something isnt going your way, i command you to find something beautiful and smash it! smash it into tiny little love-inspiring bits! completely rip the flowers from the ground and stomp on them... punch all clouds in the face ! .... but whatever you do .... DO NOT WARN THEM! DO NOT SPEAK! you see, my brother , you are cursed with "hesitation". you know the path and yet you send yourself the other way....." just then, his face loosened .... his shoulders went down.... his eyes , soft.... he got down off his high horse.... apologized to the horse ... and set it free.... he asked me if i had a business card and i told him i thought they were cheesey and i may have even suggeted that their time had come and gone.....

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

dear mastercard,
instead of this months payment of $516.03 , i have decided to send you the monetary equivalent
in "snow pea" seeds. You might want to read the instructions carefully, so as your planting is done at the right time , your rows are all in a row, etc... this is an opportunity for you to breath some life into this world , to help it grow. what you do with all these snow peas when they are harvested wil be your "puzzle".
let's just see how resourceful you can be. I can't wait to see the results! best of luck and happy harvesting!
sincerely ,
david andrew buttermilk
"mommy! mommy! .... someone just hit a dear in front of our house and drove away... can we cut off the fur so i can make deer pants?"

"deer pants? heavens no! ...deer pants!"

"but why? now the deer is gonna be a complete waste"

"no ... i'm sure some good person will come along and chop its head off and hang it in their den."

"but that 's just the head.... surely there will be enough then on the body for me to make deer pants!"

"no. no deer pants! ... and besides then there would just be a carcass.... what would you do with that?
make meat shoes?"

"i dont want meat shoes... but maybe someone else does... i just want deer pants and there is a perfectly good dead deer right in front of us!"

"look , I said NO DEER PANTS and i mean NO DEER PANTS.... deer pants are dirty and will stink up
the house .... and deer pants get ticks too!"

"well can i make fruit roll up pants instead... they smell like berries ... and no ticks either...."

"well, i suppose so ... i dont think we have enough fruit roll ups though..."

" we do ... i measured."

""thats great... that sounds like a much better, cleaner project"

So all night , she stayed up weaving together her fruit roll up pants with licorice strings and necco wafers for buttons.... by the time the sun came up... she had finished her creation... she was so excited..... she had to try them on right away.... she put them on in a flash... THEY WERE A PERFECT FIT! she was so excited that she ran outside to skip and play... as soon as she made her way out the door.... a bear , smelling the berries, chased after her ... caught her... and ate her.

Monday, January 19, 2004

[interior of gerard's parents car]

GERARD: "are we gonna practice tomorrow?"

DAVID: " gerard... i wish you were chinese"

TUNDE: [ to GERARD] " actually... aren't you like ten percent chinese?"

GERARD: " yeah , on my dad's side"

[silence]

DAVID: " gerard... i wish you were MORE chinese'

TUNDE: [to DAVID ] "you are so stupid"
[first things first .... tenderpants, juno, milo, liontrain, others, need you to draw us a picture for our "reverse kids" gang... we are thinking ---- a naked lady riding a metal unicorn as it jumps over blue flames under a "shades of gray" rainbow in the night sky.... top three designs will get the " package of certainty" from us . deadline for submissions is feb. 5th, 2004. packages will be sent out march 5th. somebody will pass the dutchie on april 5th. submissions should be sent in jpeg format to tvotr@yahoo.com
good luck!]

Sunday, January 18, 2004

oh yeah... ledders to the eddider : thunderstatement@yahoo.com
questions answered. 2 bath.
[man looking directly into the eyes of a mega-panther]

"i was weak , sure.... but you were once a litlle cozy kitten with fuzzy paws... and you pranced around without a minor-panther care in the world.... and look at you now ... "oh shit!" size , the taste of blood, the universal high school lacrosse team ready to [at the drop of a hat] beat the crap out of universal student,and take ALL the lunch money! .... you are a force to be reckoned with.... what puzzles me though, is your god-love movement , your tenderstare, your moustache, your oily sheen of seeming permanence.... where in the world does that come from? ... i mean , i know your parents."

[mega panther looking at man as if he were a chicken leg]

" i feel alot better about doing this, now that you have shown your humanity"

[mega-panther eats man]

EDITORS NOTE: Do not despair... man did not actually die , he merely began a new voyage INSIDE mega - panther.... a journey which will prove to be a most molecular understanding of mega-panther...one man could never dream up.
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