Saturday, April 03, 2004

ok, so im gonna level with you... i wasnt really excited to go on this stupid safari... i filled out the sweepstakes form at the laundrymat for a "free rent for a year in a luxury condo with spectacular views of the self" , i never bothered looking at the second place prize, and yet i won it... i didnt even want it and i couldnt transfer it . in the small print on the box [the one you put the form in ] i saw [later] that not only couldnt i transfer , but i HAD to go. i tried to get mom to write me an excuse note , but she said that millions of people wanted to go on the "safari of good and evil" in new jersey and if i didnt go, i'd be fucking those people over and trivializing their dreams. i didnt know what she meant , but i knew i wouldnt get the note. so ... i get the call from the lawyer of this safari telling me im 30 minutes late and i'm holding up the bus filled with all the other second place winners... and he said that he hoped i was having a good time postponing everybodys joy... "i thought delayed gratification was good" i said... "hurry up.... we are late... " ... i wasnt gonna wear pants in protest, but then i thought about mosquitos and mosquitos are way more badass than protest... i run down the steps of my luxury apartment into the parkinglot... and there was the lawyer , standing outside of the bus, pantomiming the passage of time.... i get on the bus and no sooner do the tires make their first turn.... "the rules of conduct" (clears throat) "my name is Michael and i am the 'SAFARI OF GOOD AND EVIL' attorney and i am also YOUR tourguide.... i like to think of myself as an 'attor-guide" ..... i was SO not with him on the bus that i thought it was funny..... [anything you win comes with a lawyer.] "i'd like to go over some rules of conduct before we enter new jersey... rule number one .... DO NOT EAT THE DOOMBERRIES! this is a very IMPORTANT...." my attention stopped right there and focused on that word like a magnifying glass on a plastic armyman ... DOOMBERRIES..... he talked a bunch more and we drove abunch more , and i dont know what he said and i didnt know where we were .... but it didnt matter .... i knew the very berries he was speaking of .... and i was amazed that there was a charter PAID to take us to them.... and even more amazing ... that they didnt just write DOOMBERRIES on the contest box with a bunch of entry forms... yeah this was it .... i was was going to the mother garden...
[right now exactly you are picturing some disney/prozac hybrid.... but no .... way more breathmintbluegreen than that] I want to tell you all the things i know about them , but instead i am going to start a book club [with a ferocious application process] for which the club will ONLY read my book ... which of course will be ALL ABOUT DOOMBERRIES .... my reasoning for this move is actually a reason divided into two reasons ... 1A. anyone careless enough to sign up to any of my clubs will not be taken serious enough when they "spill the beans" .... 1B. there are only a certain number of places these things grow and the last thing i want is for martha stewart to revive her "collapsing-like-a-bundt-cake career" with a killer recipe for doomberry pie which would singlehandedly [inevitably] make us forget her greedy side.... [oh damn, i told one of the things...] soooooo.... we are driving for a while on a paved road until we turn on to a dirt road... for a second.... i stopped thinking about doomberries long enough to notice a pile of sharks on the side of the road as we drove by.... i cant explain why because i wasnt paying attention to what led up to that [ a sign/ laughing sailors?] once we were far enough away from the pile of sharks to stop smelling them, i started to feel a tingle in my nose ... i could smell em... i started salivating and doing something else i do when i smell them.... it was in the air.... they were close... the bus bounced up and down the rutty dirt road when suddenly WHAP WHAP! DOOMBERRY BRANCHES! i stretched my fingers and raked the branches clean as we drove by ... berries were piling up in my lap on the floor in my shirt pocket.... i was grabbing so many of them that my hands were covered in their juice... i stopped long enough to lick my fingers, then kept harvesting... but after about thirty seconds , they took me over .... about 6 of my readers know what i am saying... and again, i cant tell you what happened next ... but i WILL say that things got really mixed up.... and then the next thing i knew a had to mow 1341 lawns to pay for the trouble i caused .... and believe me it was well worth it... so now [17.4 hours later] i am learning the true value of a dollar earned [ incase any of you readers are
Mrs. "S" from middle school and question my ability to learn said lesson]
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