Thursday, February 19, 2004

so kyp and i were walking through london in the middle of the night and before we could pretend that we were werewolves/teenagers, we were stuck in a conversation about free cigarettes with a guy whose mustache was a curtain and when it opened we saw the doors of his teeth and we knew that behind those doors was a bad place... the kind of place that hearts run away from.... so we used our super powers [ i pulled at my hair and kyp stared at his feet ].. but that didnt work so i reached in my pocket and pulled out a coked up gorilla and instructed him to tear off the arms of the shadowy mustache man but the gorilla was so high that all he could do was pitch us a film right there in the street so the mustache man had just enough time to find an iron pan in the middle of the night with no kitchen around and he whacked the gorilla in the head with the pan.... kyp said "that wasn't cool" and the mustache man laughed and started pulling at the gorillas head and yelling "i hate stupid movies" the whole time.... i was jumping around the street like david lee roth to distract the moustache man but he kept on pulling at the gorillas head .... then suddenly .... the gorillas head popped right off.... revealing a cobra head underneath.... and the cobra was even more angry than the gorilla ... and the cobra didnt even need the coke to be so mad [due to his already perpetual state of serpentine confidence] and once the gorilla head was fully removed , and the cobra could see clearly... the cobra started biting the mustache man and the mustache man was crying like a little baby..."NO ! NO! COBRA! PLEASE ! COBRA! ..... " i was still jumping around [partly because i was nervous and partly because it was fun ] kyp tried to reason with the cobra..... " look ... all this is really our fault... we wouldnt have asked gorilla to make such a huge sacrifice if we knew in advance that A. moustache man was a crybaby who hits gorillas with pans for a cigarette , and B. that you [cobra] would have to get involved .... we just thought it would be funny if the gorilla took moustache man's arms off ... you know".... cobra
turned to kyp and said "you have cigarettes?" kyp reached in his pocket and handed cobra a cigarette ... and then lit it for him..... meanwhile the moustache man was lying there dying from all the cobra bites and managed to mumble something to us.... "i know you thought i was creepy and passive agressive , but i want you to know... i didnt want a cigarette .... it was a passing craving.... i was drinking .... and.... " that was it.... he died ... cobra turned to kyp and said "what should we do... " kyp said " first things first.... david... stop jumping... this is no time to jump.... we gotta figure this out... "
cobra said " let's bury the body under stonehenge... " i immediately retorted ...
"fuck that ! those rocks are heavy " ... kyp got quiet for a second .... reached in his pocket and pulled out a small glowing heart .... " if we smash this up into powder and sprinkle it on the body , it will dissappear and all of our deeds will be made right ..." cobra: 2why the F*#K didnt you say you had a glowing heart! you could have saved us ALL alot of trouble! moustache man is ALLERGIC to glowing hearts ! ... if he saw it in the first place, he would have just ran away instead of indirectly hinting for 40 minutes about how you should give him a cigarrette because participating actively in you own demise is so much easier for the privelaged.... he would have ran right home to his moustache mum! " kyp [realizing the err of our ways ] said " i knew i had something in my pockets earlier , but i honestly thought it was a tin of chocolates...." cobra " well you should have checked" .... kyp crushed up the heart and sprinkled it on the moustache man and he dissappeared .... the he sprinkled it on the gorilla head , and it dissappeared too... then he turned to the cobra with the gorilla body and sneezed and the powder blew all over gorilla/cobra and he dissappeared... i looked at kyp and said "lets sprikle it on ourselves and see what happens " ... kyp laughed and said " how do you think we got to london.... ?"

Friday, February 06, 2004

I am an independent promoter/polish bassplayer in the new york / new jersey / new moon-on-monday tristate area and i noticed that you were planning on booking jesus christ for his "second coming" tour.
i would like to offer a suggetion , if i may, to assist you in tapping into the youth/optimist/showersinger
demographic [which i have on 'lock-down"] ..if we can go to bed together on this concert series, i can not only GUARANTEE that no other promoters will eat for at least a year ... but we can also crush all the stupid "idealists" by showing them that there is absolutely NO POINT in even dreaming one more stupid independently promoted dream when we are in town... i suppose by now you are just dying to know what my grand scheme is... well ... have a seat and smoke a corporate joint and read on ... picture this .... "CRISTOPHER CROSS... KRISS KROSS... And KRIS KRISTOPHERSON on the "GET DOWN OFF THAT CROSS TOUR !" and the best part is ... we would only need to print one poster and then have jesus turn it into many .... same with the tickets , same with the beer... THINK OF THE MONEY WE COULD SAVE FOR OURSELVES ! I know what you are thinking... HOLY SHIT ! THIS KID IS BRILLIANT! WE SHOULD DO THIS WITHOUT HIM... but i warn you that if you cut me out of this ... i will kick you in ther fucking nuts ! so... send me a suitcase full of cash and lets get started!
sincerely, tenderpants.
sherry wins "naked lady on metal unicorn jumping over flames under monochromatic rainbow" contest and will recieve "TVOTR's PACKAGE OF CERTAINTY" [original release ...1 of 300 handprinted copies of OK CALCULATOR. t-shirt from first tour, flier from first shows at STINGER CLUB ]. thanks sherry.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

the brakes squeaked until they reached the perfect pitch to piss off the dogs who started to bark which made my neighbor turn up his "improvisations" to drown out the dogs who were now chewing on the corners of the sofa because of the brakes and now the jazz and the truck was just starting and stopping all the way up the block and the sound of the brakes echoed on and i laughed cuz i knew that i couldnt cup the dogs' ears
[because of their super/hyper-hearing] and i knew that the dogs would be barking for a LONG TIME and i knew that my neighbor wasnt that creative ...which again, dogs hate "controlled improvisations " ... so they would be barking longer until my neighbor got sick of his own music and then he would stop and call his friend [who is a girl that doesn't want to date him/ confront him about his music] and complain about these dogs [who are not mine.... i just borrowed them for a minute.... ] and the dogs would hear him bitching and they would hate that too .... so they start barking again .... and i knew that my neighbor was gonna call the cops [cuz that 's how he "deals"] and i knew they would have sirens which would make the dogs bark more and the cops would come to see me and the dogs and they would like the dogs and they would tell my neighbor that there was nothing they could do because the dogs are not mine and it was four in the afternoon and then they would leave and get in their car and close the doors and call him a "dick" and drive away and my neighbor would feel powerless and have to look at the ground for the next month whenever he saw me and i thought of how funny it would be if he saw me and looked down at the ground while he was walking, and then ... suddenly he walked into a tree with the top of his head. i hope these dogs bark forever.
TV : id rather watch a million breasts exposed than a single bomb fall on a village
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